Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
