We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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