I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
