Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
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