my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
