OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
