I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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