I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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