Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
