i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
my liver is dry heaving
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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