I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
