if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
