I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I will be naked everywhere
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
