If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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