hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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