One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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