I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
