Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
