i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
