if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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