tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
