last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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