I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
