Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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