Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
