It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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