I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
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I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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