I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
