You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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