margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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