Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
