Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
