So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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