FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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