She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
