Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
