It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
