Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
