Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
BRING THE BAGELS
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
