My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
