I think my vagina is haunted
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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