I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
