I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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