I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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