so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
