Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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