my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
