your parents love me but you hate me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
