I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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