my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
