My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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