You made me cry and you don't even care
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize
