do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
