the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
