i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
