I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
