pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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